Sunday, April 10, 2016
Starts off bad, gets better
In my on going battle to get Chad to understand I am not useless, I failed the other night..or he did...or well we had ANOTHER moment. Its get better I promise. I dont know if lightening hit him, he read this blog or he suddenly realized after 11 years he's kind of mean to me, but what but he said something last night to me he has never said before, and it was actually kind of nice....
BUT FIRST the juicy nasty part.
So I have signed up to be a billet family for a baseball player for the Fort McMurray Giants...long story short, I think It will be good, we get a little ball player here to keep alive for the summer, like a pet! And we get to go to all the home games this summer!
So Chad and I clearly discussed this prior and then while we were having dinner 2 nights ago I say,
" oh I signed all the forms for the billet thing"
Chad, " oh...well are you sure? You would have to do extra things... like...cook real suppers and stuff, it might not be good...for you..."
I dont know if you all know my faces or not...or can fully understand to the extent that my eyes either shot lasers, or if he noticed that I was biting my tongue so hard it bled....but I think he might have taken notice...
I said " huh, Im sorry, what, like the food we eat every night magically comes from...??"
As I speak my eyes get bigger, my voice pitcher, and the kids scuttle away as I clear the dishes...from the meal, that must have been delivered by elves. ( elves who cant cook, but nonetheless, I couldn't have made it, for it wasn't a " REAL" supper)
So then we clear the dishes in silence. I tidy up in silence. He leaves the room...comes back...leaves again...comes back...all the while I plot the ways I plan to leave.
So we go about the next 24 hrs in relative silence and distance and coldness, because I am mad and dont want to talk about it for fear we fight about it, Chad and I really dont ever have out and out fights, just these frustrating Lucy and Desi type convos where he thinks I am foolish...
Then at the end of the next day we are laying in bed, and he says this,
" So I want you to tell me when I am begin negative to you. I want you to just have a code word or call me out on it or something"
Aleaha " No, Its not my job to make you be nice, and I dont want to be a nag every time you speak your mind by saying something like 'the crows fly east'...or whatever this code will be."
Chad- " no really. I want you too. I really need you too. I am trying to be better, and I am trying to be a more positive person, at home and at work and I have been working so hard on different things but last night I realized that I say things to you that are not nice. I am really negative when I speak to you, and I know thats wrong. I'm really sorry. I dont ever mean to sound so nasty, and I dont ever want you to think that I dont value you because I do. I dont know why I always come across like that. So you need to help me...I just dont mean to be so mean, I really dont....Im going to try to say really nice and positive and good things to you.."
Aleaha - " oh please dont. I dont need praise or a cheerleader"
Chad " I know...and I mean, I guess I dont often give praise, or give credit or say good things because I feel like you just know that I think them, and that you just know...but if I dont say ANY good things, and all I ever do is point out the BAD things, thats not good...and I am sorry...I dont want to do that"
So it was a conversation, it was interesting and I want to be a little clear too...Chad is a fantastic person, he is so giving and so generous, and so smart and so caring about taking care of everyone and tries to be helpful. His helpful in the world of our kids is fantastic. They adore him. His being " helpful" in my world is to offer criticism of all the things that I dont do that he would like, or the things I dont do that dont meet his standards, so he's not MEAN per se, he's just...tough to please.
So I have high hopes. On his days off I said Im not cooking a single supper and this weekend, he made us 3 very yummy dinners....I have hopes that he and I can work out this SUPER annoying passive aggressive conversation we have all the time and just get over it!
So thats that, I think it was good overall...and then, I might not be able to blog anymore since if Chad smartens up and he likes me, what will I write about?!